


two bags of chips

by daisyridley



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Humor, M/M, Repression, but also if az and crowley were 17, my only knowledge of good omens comes from what a friend has told me, this is me trying to reconstruct what good omens is based on that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-02 06:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18805582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisyridley/pseuds/daisyridley
Summary: Aziz and Crowley find out that someone wants to get the entire Geology class expelled. It's up to them to cancel the Apocalypse.





	two bags of chips

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LieutenantSaavik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LieutenantSaavik/gifts).



> BEFORE YOU READ THIS FIC: I haven't read this book. I haven't seen the tv show. my knowledge of good omens comes from what my friend Kora, whom this is a gift for, has been telling me.  
> this is literally what I'm GUESSING good omens is, based on that. I haven't googled anything. and also it's set in high school somewhere in the english countryside and I'm absolutely not from there. I also haven't proofread this because that's the point. it's weird and it probably has a lot of typos and it's not subtle at all

Crowley’s friend Skye found him and Aziraphale eating lunch in the school yard, even though it was December and it was freezing outside. 

Actually, Aziz was the only one eating lunch, because Crowley was just slurping the last drops of juice from a small carton box. They each had an earbud from Crowley’s phone, but Aziz didn’t seem to like whatever Crowley was playing because he’d left the earbud on his shoulder instead of putting it in his ear.

“Crowley,” she said. “The world is ending.”

“The fuck.”

“Hello, Skye.”

“Hi, Aziz.”

“What troubles you?”

“The world is ending. My entire Geology class is doomed. We’re all going to die.”

“Are you gonna elaborate on this or--?” Crowley asked.

“A couple of weeks ago we had this test and, you know, it’s Geology, we’re supposed to care and shit but we don’t. So we all cheated on the test. And now Aria told me that Gaia told her that someone has evidence of that and they’re going to get the entire Geology class expelled.”

“Sucks to be you, I guess.”

“I’m very sorry, Skye.”

“Thanks. Doomsday is upon us. Just thought I’d let you know in case you guys don’t see us anymore all of a sudden. Anyways, we’re going to the cinema this afternoon, do you want to come with us? You too, Aziz, of course.”

“We would love that.”

 

“Aziz.  _ Aziz _ .”

Since he wasn’t answering, Crowley threw a pink eraser at his head.

“Would you please not hit me? I’m trying to study for the both of us, as you’re very well aware.”

“Aziz. I’ve been thinking. I want to help the Geology class.”

“You do?”

“Oh, don’t act so surprised!”

“I won’t if you wish so, but I am.”

“Alright, listen: cheating is bad and we don’t condone it.”

“You’re not convincing, darling.”

“Whatever, made, the point is they’re not bad people. We had fun with them earlier at the cinema and that guy what’s-his-name always gives you his dessert at lunch.”

“That’s because you bullied him into doing that for months.”

“Because he’d been bullying you for years. And anyways I stopped doing that!”

“Because I found out.”

“Yes, and now he’s giving you his dessert out of the goodness of his heart.”

“He’s just afraid you’ll bully him again.”

“He’s basically a bodybuilder at this point, I really don’t think he’s afraid of me.”

“You can be quite frightening sometimes, if you want to.”

“So frightening you let me come into your house every day. And you’re not even wearing trousers right now. And that ratty t-shirt has  _ got  _ to be your pyjamas, so you have no damn right to say I’m frightening.”

“ _ Touche _ . What do you want to do, then, to help our friends?”

“Hold on, I didn’t say  _ friends _ .”

“Semantics, dear. I agree that it would be an utterly unpleasurable experience to see them expelled, so what do you suggest we do?”

“First, we’re gonna get more info on this Doomsday shit. Then we’re going to get a hold on whatever evidence there is, and we’re going to destroy it.”

 

On Tuesday, Aziz and Crowley looked for Gaia, the head of the student body as well as the source of the Doomsday rumors.

“I don’t know much,” she said when they asked her to tell them everything she knew about it. “But do you remember Lucy? She transferred to a private school last week.”

“We remember.”

“She took Geology with us, too, and I’ve known for a long time she was planning on doing something bad to the class, because apparently they drove her crazy. I’ve heard that she’d already left the evidence in the secretary’s drawer for when Principal God comes back from her holidays next Monday, because she transferred before the Principal came back so she couldn’t deliver it in person.”

“Thank you, Gaia. You’ve been very helpful.”

Crowley put a hand on Aziz’s chest to prevent him from following Gaia back into the corridor. 

“Crowley. Before you make whatever proposal you’re about to make, I need you to know I won’t be doing anything immoral.”

“Right, but you don’t want them to get expelled.”

“No, I don’t.”

“So trust me,  _ dear _ .”

“I absolutely will not.” Aziz sighed. “Do you have a plan?”

“Meet me after school at the Principal’s office.”

 

Crowley had not considered that at the end of their classes the Principal’s secretary would still be in her office.

“Fuck,” he said.

“What exactly had your plan been, dear?”

“Go there. Take whatever it was we needed. Get out.”

“Right.”

“Right. So, new plan.”

“Yes.”

“New plan.”

“Yes?”

“I’m waiting for you to come up with it.”

“I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out something.” Aziz gently patted Crowley’s arm. “In the meantime, since we’re here, I’ll go inside and ask Petra if her cat is doing well.”

“God’s secretary is called Petra? And how the hell do you know she had a cat?”

“As you very well know, I used to spend quite a lot of time in her office when I got bullied on a weekly basis. And she had a picture of her cat on her desk, so…”

“So you  _ had  _ to ask, right.”

“She’s been my friend ever since.”

“Can you just, like, lure out of the office while you’re at it?”

“If that will help you.”

“It will.”

Aziz decided that the best way to lure Petra out of her office was to offer her coffee from the vending machine while she told him how her cat was doing. The vending machine already had 20 cents in it that someone had accidentally left there. Aziz also decided to get a bag of chips from the other vending machine, and two bags fell down instead of one.

He thought these were  **GOOD OMENS** .

 

Crowley was waiting for him right after the corner, in front of a banner that advertised the school’s Christmas ball, whose theme was  _ Heaven and Hell _ . Aziz offered Crowley the second bag of chips and Crowley tore it open and emptied its content into his mouth. Several chips fell on the floor, but Crowley didn’t seem to notice. He crumpled the empty bag into a ball and tossed it into the nearest bin. He missed it. Aziz finished the job for him.

“Loser,” Crowley said.

“Did you get the evidence?”

“Yep. It’s in a pen drive.” Crowley held it up for Aziz to see. “Except I tried to delete the files from the secretary’s computer, but they’re, like, encrypted or something.”

“Why would the files be unreadable if they were meant to be… read? Something’s not right.”

“We’ve got to get to the bottom of this, then.”

“But neither of us has the technical knowledge to decrypt a file.”

“Nope, but I’ve got a friend who does, so let’s go and cancel the Apocalypse.”

 

“This file is not encrypted,” Crowley’s friend Anathema said. “It’s just a picture of a QR code.”

“I have no idea what that means,” Crowley said while rolling around Aziz’s room on his chair.

“You don’t know what a QR code is?” Aziz asked. Crowley rolled away.

“So I take you don’t need me anymore,” Anathema said.

“Wait, no. I don’t actually know how that works.”   
“How--? You know what, nevermind. We’ll scan it with my phone, and it will give us whatever it is that’s inside it.

She pointed her phone camera at the computer screen and scanned the code while they watched with fascination. Once she opened the link, though, she furrowed her brow.

“It’s a .txt file. I’ll download it.”

“If you say so.”

When Crowley rolled close enough to him, Aziz put a hand on the chair’s armrest to make him stop playing with it. Crowley tried unconvincingly to bat the hand away.

“This is weird,” Anathema said. “And also definitely not what you were looking for.”

She held her phone toward them. The only thing the file contained was a single line of test:  _ YOU CAN’T PREVENT THE INEVITABLE _ .

“Of course!” Aziz said. “Lucy knew that Principal God wouldn’t get to see it until Monday, so she left a decoy in Petra’s office in case someone found out and tried to stop her.”

“So someone else has the real pen drive and they’re going to leave it in the office sometime this week.”

“Meaning we have until Friday at the end of class to get it.”

“Why do you want it anyways?” Anathema asked.

“To stop the Apocalypse.”

“Makes sense! I’m gonna go now. Bye.”

“So who do you think has it?” Aziz asked.

“There are only four people Lucy would trust enough with her plan. And I know them all.”

“Oh, no. You can’t be talking about…”

“Oh, yes, mate. My former friends: the four horses of the Apocalypse.”

 

Katelynn: she was really ( _ really _ ) into hentai.

Jared: he called himself a “Tik Tok influencer”.

Tonya: she was the school’s most vocal Brexit supporter, and she had leaked her boyfriend’s nudes when she was fifteen and forced him to change schools.

Carl: he’d been writing a still ongoing Alexander Hamilton/Eliza Hamilton slavery AU fanfiction piece for the last two years.

These were the four horses of the Apocalypse, Crowley’s former friends, and Lucy’s only confidantes.

While Katelynn was on a toilet break during English class, Crowley searched for the pen drive in her backpack. He didn’t miss anything important with his class, because his teacher was talking about  _ A Moveable Feast _ and failing to mention the portion of the book dedicated to Hemingway’s conversation with Francis Scott Fitzgerald about dick sizes. The downside: he didn’t find any pen drive.

In the meantime, Aziz was going through Carl’s stuff during his History class. But he came out empty-handed, too.

As usual, they ate lunch in the school yard. Crowley, who only had two packs of Kit Kats because his class had run late and he didn’t want to queue in the cafeteria so he’d just gotten the first thing he’d seen in the vending machine, pretended not to eat Aziz’s carefully cut apple bites that Aziz had pretended not to slide toward him while he ate his pasta. Crowley slipped one of the Kit Kats in Aziz’s backpack.

“So Katelynn and Carl are down. Meaning either Tonya or Jared have the antichrist.”

“Look, Crowley. They’re coming here right now.”

They barely managed to get up before Jared grabbed Crowley and shoved him into the wall.

“Whatever it is you’re looking for,” Tonya hissed in his ear. “Fucking  _ leave  _ it, or you’ll be really really sorry.”

“Oh, yeah? Sorry how?”

“I’ll show you how,” Jared said, raising his fist.

“Hey!” Aziz called. “Let him go!”

“Why? Because you’re filming me?”

“Yes? I’ll post it on Tik Tok.”

“My fans will love it.”

“I’ll caption it  _ it looks like I’m bullying him but he’s actually my boyfriend and I’m about to make out with him _ .”

Jared dropped Crowley and ran away. Tonya shot them a hateful look and followed him.

“Decent save,” Crowley said, clearly trying not to sound too impressed.

“Homophobia is a double-edged sword if you know how to use it.”   
“That’s… pretty smart.”

“Thank you. I’m afraid we have no way of looking through Tonya and Jared’s stuff, though. And it’s Wednesday afternoon already.”

“We’ll come up with something,” Crowley said.

 

Thursday morning, there was a bunch of people from the school’s newspaper asking random people questions about the Christmas ball in the main hall.

“Are you excited to go to  _ Heaven and Hell _ ?” one of them asked Crowley.

“Your ball is dumb and I’d be more excited to eat a whole rat.”

“School balls are not that dumb,” Aziz said once they’d moved past the hall.

“Really? Do we need to argue over this?”

“They’re not dumb.”

“Oh, what, is this your way of telling me you actually want to go?”

“I just said they’re not dumb. I’m not sure they’re for me.”

“Yeah sure.”

“Listen, I’ve been thinking. Maybe we’ve rushed too much into this  _ looking through people’s stuff  _ business.

“Oh, come on, mate. I thought we were over your ethical questioning.”

“We are, kind of, I guess. But so far we’ve found nothing, so maybe we should change our strategy. And, for example, maybe we should first find out whether cheating will actually result in expulsion.”

“What? No, we’ve got to find the antichrist and be done with it.”

They kept arguing over it all the way to their classroom and even during class, when they used torn pieces of paper to talk. Aziz signed every single one of his messages and doodled a heart next to his name. 

 

They didn’t have any class during second period, so they headed to the rec room.

“Look,” Crowley said while they walked next to the computer room. “Jared and Tonya.”

“And they both have a pen drive plugged into their computer!”

“This is our chance. We’ve got to lure them out.”

“But how?”

“If you need someone to get out of their classroom, I can help.”

“Gaia, hi!”

They explained the situation, and she promised they’d have their opportunity in less than a minute. When she left, they hid so Tonya and Jared wouldn’t see them. 

“Why are you pulling your hood up?” Aziz asked.

“To look inconspicuous.”

“But I like you better when I can see your face.”

“Oh.”

“And, besides, I don’t think it works.”

“ _ Attention all students _ ,” said Gaia over the intercom. “ _ This is the head of the student body talking, and wishing you a good Thursday morning. There’s just one day left before the Christmas ball, and our ball committee has an important announcement to give you in the auditorium, so students and teachers are invited to join me there. _ ”

“Genius,” Crowley whispered.

“So her plan is genius but mine was just  _ pretty smart _ ?”

“Uhm.”

“I’m not actually offended, you know.”

“Yes. Obviously. Okay, they’re out of the computer room, let’s go and find the antichrist.”

“I’ll look through Tonya’s files, you look through Jared’s.”

“Wow,” Crowley said with a smirk.

“What is it?”

“Look at you, a little hacker.”

“Oh, it’s for a good cause.”

“So grown up…”

“Do shut up.”

Crowley shut up, but they still didn’t find the antichrist. Tonya and Jared’s pens were full of weird shit, but no evidence that their friends had cheated on their Geology exam. 

 

Aziz and Crowley had lunch in the cafeteria with them. They discovered that many of them had no idea what was about to happen, because the others hadn’t had the heart to tell them. Aziz and Crowley enjoyed their company, now that they still had the chance.

That guy what-was-his-name gave Aziz his cream pudding, and the only thing Aziz could do was give him his chocolate one in return.

After lunch, they all went to vape behind the gym. Aziz and Crowley didn’t vape, but Crowley really enjoyed sniffing all the different vape flavors and rating them to make Aziz laugh.

 

On Friday, morale was low. Aziz and Crowley finally went to the library to read the school code and they found out that, yes, cheating was punishable with expulsion. Principal God would have no chance but to end them all.

They had no other leads. They didn’t know where else to turn.

That afternoon, Crowley didn’t even roll around in Aziz’s chair. Didn’t even throw erasers at him. He did throw his trousers at him, though, because he’d left them on the backrest. That he did.

“Crowley.”

“What.”

“If Principal God needs to get the pen drive on Monday morning, then whoever delivers it will have to have done it before the school closed for the weekend, is that right?”

“Yeah. So?”

“So the school didn’t actually close for the weekend yet. It will reopen tonight for the Christmas ball.”

“Oh, no.”

“Crowley.”

“Don’t say it.”

“We need to go to the Christmas ball.”

“No.”

“This is our last chance to do something! Don’t you want to take it!”

“No.”

“Crowley.”

“No.”

“Would you like to come to the Christmas ball with me?”

“Fine.”

“Good. Now, the theme. Do you think we should dress up as angel and devil? Or--”

“You can dress in white and I can dress in black and we can call it a theme,” Crowley said. He got up from the chair and flopped face-down on Aziz’s bed.

 

“This is all very Christian, isn’t it?” Aziz asked.

“It’s the Christmas.”

“Perhaps you’ll be able to explain some of the details to me.”

“I’m pretty sure none of these decorations are actually Bible references.”

“Oh. I guess that’s right. It’s a pity, though.”

“You know what? It is.”

Aziz linked their arms and they made their entrance. For the next half an hour, Aziz chatted with their friends while Crowley hanged onto his arm and sighed because it was a dumb party.

Then, they disentangled themselves from the other students and sneaked past the teachers to carry out their plan. They met again in the dark corridors, only lit by the emergency lights, and headed to the Principal’s office.

Once they got there, they found a post it on the door handle. It said:  _ I WIN -LUCY _ .

“What is this?  _ Pretty Little Liars _ ?” 

“It is kind of un-subtle, isn’t it?”

Crowley tried the door. “Shit fuck. It’s closed.”

“I’m sorry, my dear. It seems like we have failed.”

“Fuck.”

“I’m sorry.”

Crowley didn’t reply. He turned around. 

Aziz gently touched his shoulder. “Come on, let’s go back. We can enjoy one last party before the end of the world.” 

 

Crowley got something shiny to drink and hanged onto his cup for fifteen minutes before Aziz pulled him onto the dance floor. One time I was at a high school ball dancing with a friend and suddenly she turned around and started dancing with a guy and I swear I looked away for like one second and next thing I knew they were making out and it was honestly hilarious, and it’s not, really, but there’s something deeply exhilarating in jumping up and down with your friend in a dark room packed with sweaty teenage bodies dressed simultaneously too much and not nearly enough, burning everywhere and feeling your arm freeze as soon as you raise it and the air crystallizes your sweat on it, grinding on each other not because they want to but because there’s no room, being so close to your friend that you two could make out if you wanted to, or had the guts to, but you don’t and suddenly you find yourself bumping into them while they kiss someone else. Aziz and Crowley danced together at the high school ball, and there was nothing to do anymore, so fuck it, right? Fuck not having the guts. Crowley kissed Aziz on the mouth.

“What are you--?”

At Aziz’s confusion, Crowley pulled back. 

“I thought this was a date,” he shouted over the music.

“A--I thought--?”

Crowley made his way through the people and ran out of the room.

 

He didn’t answer any of Aziz’s calls for the entire weekend.

 

On Doomsday, or Monday as common mortals usually call it, Aziz waited for Crowley in front of Principal God’s office.

Crowley tried to avoid him, but Aziz grabbed his arm.

“We didn’t fail,” he said.

“What’s that mean?”

“Look. There’s nobody in here, and the door is open.”

“What if they come back?”

“What if they don’t? Come on, let’s save Geology.”

There was no pen drive in Petra’s drawers. But the Principal’s door was open, too. So they broke into God’s office to find the antichrist.

 

“There’s nothing in here! Goddamnit.”

“How can it not be here? In fact, I can’t fathom why she wouldn’t have any pen drives at all in any of her drawers. Perhaps there are secret compartments?”

“I--oh, god.”

“What? Where?”

“No, look at her computer!”

God’s email inbox was in display. She had just received an email whose subject was  _ EVIDENCE _ .

“The pen drive was a decoy all along! Lucy had always meant to send it to her via email.”

“But it’s not from Lucy,” Crowley noticed.

After a quick check, which proved that that was, in fact, the incriminating evidence that would bring everyone in Geology down, Crowley deleted the email.

“It’s not over yet,” he said.

“No. Geology isn’t safe yet.”

In that moment, they heard voices talking right outside the office.

“Oh god, it’s God.”

“She did came back,” Aziz said, sounding more detached than he actually was. “What do we do?”

“Aziz.”

“Yes?”

“Do you trust me?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then fake cry.”

When God came in, she found Aziz and Crowley sitting on the guest chairs in front of her desk. Aziz was in tears, and Crowley had an arm around his shoulders.

“Oh, dear. What’s wrong?”

“I’m really sorry, Principal,” Crowley said. “We needed a place for him to wind down and we didn’t know where else to go.”

“What happened? Petra was just telling me how happy she was that Aziz didn’t get bullied anymore since you two started dating.”

“Right! Okay! Wow, look, it looks like he’s calming down and also maybe choking so we won’t bother you any further, thank you, nothing happened really, someone just, ah, said a thing. Yes. Thank you! Goodbye!”

 

“You have been smoother,” Aziz said once they were back in the corridor.

“Yeah.”

“But thank you for getting us both out of there.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Why didn’t you answer when I called you?”

“I don’t have a phone.”

“I didn’t think you felt that way.”

“Like not having a phone?”

“Crowley.”

“What to you want me to say? Surprise? Sorry for misinterpreting?”

“So you do feel that way,” Aziz said. “I would have asked you out sooner if I’d known.”

“What?”

Aziz looked around. He touched Crowley’s elbow to make him follow him into a side corridor that wasn’t buzzing with students getting to class.

“I thought you would have laughed at me if I’d asked you out for real.”

Crowley looked at him. “Do you want to go on a date with me,” he said then, as if he didn’t believe what he was asking.

Aziz smiled. “I would like that, yes. But first we need to stop the Apocalypse once and for all. Shall--oh.”

 

“Lucy never meant to destroy the people from Geology, didn’t she? It was you all along.”

“No, it wasn’t!” Gaia said.

“We saw you sent the email.”

“Yeah, okay, it was me.”

“You knew the blame had to fall on someone, so you spread the rumor that Lucy had done it right before leaving. Easy to blame someone who’s not even there while you’re the one doing all the dirty work. And you knew people would believe you, because they trust you and they didn’t like Lucy. But you were afraid that someone would try to stop you before God came back from her holidays, so you left all those fake clues and spread fake rumors to throw us off course. But why?”

“I can’t stand those people anymore! They’re all horrible and I need them to leave now before I literally combust.”

“Maybe they’re not perfect people, but they’re not horrible. They don’t deserve this, Gaia.”

“Yes, they do! They cheated, I have proof, and I’ll finally see them out of my school.”

“Gaia, please. In just little while they’ll be gone, anyways. At the end of the school year they’ll leave this place for good on their own. Just let them.”

“If they carry on cheating like this, they’ll get busted and expelled anyways.”

“Maybe. Or maybe not. But please, don’t be the one who seals their fate. You’re not a bad person and you don’t have to be. Hang on a little while longer and let them live.”

 

“That was a pretty decent speech,” Crowley said.

“ _ Pretty decent _ ?”

“Alright, fine. It was pretty fucking good. Do you want to go and get lunch?”

"I'd love to."

Crowley offered Aziz his hand, and Aziz took it.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are always appreciated but ESPECIALLY in this case because I want to know if I got it... like obviously I know this can't be the plot but like... did I GET it, on a fundamental level? please let me know. also principal god's name is pronounced jod


End file.
